David Kellerman just vested his last option

Posted in obituaries on April 24, 2009 by Sigmund Schadenfreude

PD*28341899It’s difficult to think of suicide as anything but negative… though when the person doing it is mixed up in one of the worst financial disasters in modern history, and was rewarded handsomely for his role in having helped to bring the economy down, it begins to lose some of the bad. You begin to think the only bad thing about is the way it forces the media to speak about such people as though they weren’t incredible assholes.

Such is the case with Wednesday’s shocking suicide of Freddie Mac CFO David Kellerman, a man whom we are told posessed “great talents,” and whose “extraordinary work ethic and integrity inspired all who worked with him” Perhaps this is all true. But he was also one of the chief beneficiaries of our modern Kleptomaniacal Oligarchy. Freddie Mac, once a government entity spun off along with sister company Fannie Mae during the 70s, in an effort to facilitate the screwing over of millions of working Americans, I mean, save the government money, has been under investigation ever since being acquired by the government after it essentially collapsed under the weight of its own stinking pile of financial bullshit. Kellermann himself was only appointed CFO in the wake of this takeover, but it’s worth noting that he’d been with the company for 11 years. If he was highly ranked enough to get the CFO position handed to him when the axe fell upon his immediate superiors, it’s almost certain that Kellerman himself was instrumental in guiding Freddie from a questionable but useful facilitator of loans for people who deserve assistance, to co-ruiner of the national economy.

Freddie Mac, you see, helped to ruin our economy in large part thanks to their pivotal position during the recent housing bubble – much like countrywide, they gave shoddy loans given to people with questionable ability to pay, all the while lobbying for fewer regulations on their industry. Such people were instrumental in peddling lies like “housing prices always go up” and “this isn’t a bubble, it’s a sustainable boom”. Of course, Freddie lost billions in 2008 as the inevitable collapse of the housing boom escalated with each defaulted mortgage, and practically overnight the company fell apart.

They were saved in the nick of time by an infusion of 45 billion dollars worth of TARP funds, and since then have been mercilessly monitored by federal agents, strict, relentless oversight that surely led to Kellerman’s reportedly massive weight loss due to stress. Sure, he wasn’t personally under investigation, but Freddie Mac is currently under fire due to the astonishing news that they intend to give out more than a hundred million dollars worth of bonuses this year. That’s hundreds of millions of dollars for jobs well done paid to employees of a company that failed, using money they received from the government. Again, Kellerman wasn’t personally under investigation, but last year he personally received $170,000. He was set to ca-ching himself an additional 680 thousand by the end of 2009.

That Kellerman accepted a bonus at all, given the dismal state of the company and the economy he personally helped to destroy is insulting enough, but the lack of decency and self awareness that allowed him to actually believe he was worth half a million more ought to be a crime in and of itself.

Certainly, as one report alleges, he might have been trying to do the right thing by Freddie Mac. If this is true then he deserves even more scorn for failing miserably to do so. And this still doesn’t excuse his participation in the greatest financial disaster of the last 80 years.

We’ll probably never know why he did it, unless a suicide note emerge. Until conclusive evidence that he wasn’t a parasite surfaces, as far as we’re concerned, he Had it Coming.

Meghan McCain’s libido has dried up – a tale of woe-is-me

Posted in politics, right-wing pigeons with tags on March 3, 2009 by prodigalsonnybono

Oh, dearie me, the rich spawn of a political loser is having trouble dating.  Apparently, Meghan McCain finds both fans of Obama and fans of her own father repellant:

Once I went out with a guy who said the food I had ordered was a “maverick choice” and proceeded to tell me, “Wow, straight talking must run in the family.” It’s like someone taking Lisa Marie Presley out on a date and singing “Hound Dog” in the middle of dinner.

Poor Miss Thang can’t date liberals, can’t date McCainanites, and just seems to have one wacko date after another.  Awwwww… 

Well, we here at They Had It Coming are fucking glad her love life sucks ass–anyone who openly and fervently supported a Republican candidate after the quagmire and illegal illegitimacy of the Bush administration should have his/her genitals sewn shut and be forced into a mendicant monastery, where he/she can make me some Trappist Ale and charge me half-price for being a much better person than any bullshit Republican stooge.  And I don’t care if your dad is a fucking candidate–my dad teaches finance, and you don’t see me at seminars going apeshit over Keynesian economics.  Actually, that doesn’t sound half bad… fuck, I’ve wasted my life.

Anyway, my favorite part is when she’s shocked that some guys might fetishize her for looking just like her mother:

One extreme fan of my mother’s recently told me I could be “his Cindy.” And then asked me if I ever wore pearls because they probably would look as good on me as they do on my mother. No, I’m not kidding. Any guy that has a fetish for older women in pantsuits and large pearls obviously only finds my last name attractive about me.

Don’t you get it, Meghan?  It’s not the last name, it’s the PILLS!  Clearly your family has access to high-grade pharmaceuticals that only my friend with kidney stones and my other friend who just got out of jail have access to on a regular basis.  I guarantee, if you and I could just get together and break into your mother’s stash, we’d both forget all about our dating frustrations.  We could ascend into the astral plane, above libido and the needs of the flesh, where our opium dreams of an immortal Ronald Reagan crushing tax breaks for the poor with Star Wars missiles strapped to his wrinkled feet would never die.  And Rush Limbaugh would be there too, looking down on Michael Steele and laughing, a cigar made out of Abu Ghraib prisoners burning its way down to his mouth literally drooling out liquid hypocrisy, which no one would care about, because we were too rich and too fucked up.  Oh, joyous day!  Cindy McCain, what I wouldn’t do to date your doctor, I mean, daughter!

Socks the Cat – Good Riddance!

Posted in famous critters, obituaries on February 22, 2009 by gleefulundertaker

zombiesocksThat pussy had to go, and my only wish is that it could have happened earlier and taken longer.  A slow, fur-drenched death would have been preferable to seeing the white house inhabited by one of the no-trick learning, urine-spraying, fish eating, furniture scratching monsters we call cats.  And the Clintons must have realized that too, since they kept Buddy the chocolate lab after leaving the White House, but gave Socks up to their secretary. 

And it was Socks’ own fault!  According to Hillary Clinton, Socks “despised Buddy from first sight, instantly and forever.”

Now, the Obama family has it right–a healthy dog, small, and hypoallergenic.  Fuck cats.

Robert Novak has cancer

Posted in loudmouths, politics, right-wing pigeons on July 28, 2008 by prodigalsonnybono

Ha ha ha ha ha.  There is bitterly ironic justice in Robert Novak being diagnosed with cancer.  In my Tony Snow obit last week, I had some complaints from friends that my coverage was inhuman and mean-spirited to a man whose family is grieving him.  Okay, fair enough–I disagree that Snow was liked by both sides of the aisle, and I definitely think he helped obfuscate persecution for Bush’s war crimes that led to the deaths of millions, but even I know that it’s controversial to kick a man when he’s down.

But no one can say Novak is a classy guy.  He’s shameless and he’s murderous, or at least manslaughter-ous.  He put a CIA operative’s life in danger and committed treason by outing Valerie Plame in his column.  And just last week, he hit a homeless man with his Corvette and kept on driving!  This diagnosis of cancer almost makes me believe in karma.

Tony Snow R.I.P.

Posted in loudmouths, obituaries, politics, right-wing pigeons on July 18, 2008 by prodigalsonnybono

Former press secretary and Fox News fuck Tony Snow died of cancer today.

I’m sure in a bit, we’ll see blogs such as Crooks and Liars do a polite little obit, in which they ask their readers to “leave tasteful comments” while we all pretend that there’s a final dignity in death that allows us to forgive.

But bullshit on that.  I’m glad the fucker is dead.  Let me be more clear–very few people deserve death more than Tony Snow.  He was a smart guy who got paid to put a positive spin on his dumb and evil bosses, who used every trick in the book, especially charisma, to take the 20% of people who approve of Bush and try to make it 30%.
<blockquote>As press secretary, Snow brought partisan zeal and the skills of a seasoned performer to the task of explaining and defending the president’s policies. During daily briefings, he challenged reporters, scolded them and questioned their motives as if he were starring in a TV show broadcast live from the West Wing.

Critics suggested that Snow was turning the traditionally informational daily briefing into a personality-driven media event short on facts and long on confrontation. He was the first press secretary, by his own accounting, to travel the country raising money for Republican candidates.

I don’t believe in karma, but there’s something so right and so just about a man brimming with evil also discovering that he’s brimming with cancer.  I hope when he arrives in Hell, the millions of Iraqis who died from Bush’s policies get to pelt him with flaming sulphur.